I struggled a lot with depression. Not so much now, but negative thoughts still creep up from time to time. I also get a little anxiety at times. Knowing this about myself discourages me so much. I start to think about those close to me and how they have to deal with me. And it’s not like I’ll have a nervous break down in public and lay on the floor crying…though I’ve heard that happening to some people. I just have my really bad days where if one thing happens then I begin to think of all the other stressful things in my life all at once, and my mind kinda just starts racing. And then just other small stuff here and there. But still, I cant help to think about those around me having to deal with my bad days.
A big misconception relating to mental things is that it only effects the person. On the contrary, our loved ones have to go that extra mile to support and be there for us in a special way because its a sensitive situation. So I start to think all of these thoughts :
+ Should I even tell him about my bad day, or will he think I’m whining and complaining?
+ If I mention this, will she understand me or will she blow me off and say “don’t be stupid” again?
+ I really want to talk about this and let it out but I don’t want them to get annoyed and think “oh here we go again”
+ Should I tell him about the anxiety attack I had today? Maybe I shouldn’t, it’s not that important anyway
+ If I talk about my feelings they’ll think I’m not strong enough to keep it all together
+ Don’t cry..don’t cry…damn it I’m crying, great now I look like I cry for everything
+ Something bothered me and hurt my feelings but maybe I shouldn’t mention it because I don’t want them to think I get upset at everything
I try to keep things quiet for the sake of others. I know they have their own stuff going on, I don’t expect them to always catch me when I fall. So I try to be mindful of that. I know it can get frustrating, dealing with someone with struggles like this. I mean I even get frustrated with myself, everyday. I’m 23 and to this day I still can’t fully grasp the fact that I cannot and should not trust any of the negative thoughts that cross my mind. But depression is an intruder and does not care.
So why does this discourage me, you may ask? Well, I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of being the reason why I lose people. Which in turn, makes me not want to open up. I mean, I’ve lost people before because of my mistakes. Maybe that’s why you always see me sitting down all quiet like. Not because I’m antisocial or shy, but because if I start talking to you, you’ll begin to see my vulnerability, my flaws, my mistakes, my struggles…and perhaps that will turn you off and you’ll lose interest in me because I could be a tiring friendship/relationship to keep up with. So I start to think about those close to me…are they tired of me? Should I just go away so that I wont be a burden? It sucks. I want to talk about every feeling and emotion that runs through my mind but..is it too much for people to hear? Because I know it can get tiring hearing the same thing over and over, I’m pretty much tired of myself.
